Completely Made-Up Horoscopes
Week of Oct. 19, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) My hamster really likes his new Bumpits.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Umm, that black and white cat outside of the University Center is not a cat.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Is it me or is Lacey Chabert’s mouth too small for her face?
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) I told you not to lick the stripper pole in the Game Room — H1N1.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Music hasn’t been the same since Britney Spears died. What? Never mind.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) ¯ Wares of the World! ¯ Wares of the People! ¯
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) I guess those hand sanitizer dispensers didn’t work. That was money well spent.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) “Cherokee Slaveholders and American Abolitionists: An Unlikely Alliance in Antebellum America” on Oct. 22 at 3 p.m. in CV106 — be there!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Collecting me some strawberry milk.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Dressing up your dog as another animal for Halloween is just sick.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) How do you get a deer out of a frozen lake? Helicopter — just blow it out.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) You should put smiley faces at the end of every e-mail, even if you don’t mean it. J
∞
Week of Oct. 12, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Who would I be if I wasn’t me? Someone just like me because I rock!
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Some ugly ducklings stay ugly. They still get married and breed.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) You would eat a bowl of croutons, bacon bits and ranch dressing if no one was looking.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) We are all just figments of someone else’s imagination. His name is Frank.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Do you know where I would put my Galapalooza horse? Yeah, that’s right.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Crazy is as crazy why won’t the voices leave me alone!
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) It reminds me of when we went on the roof with gasoline filled balloons and a match, and grandma said, “This should be good.”
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) White pumpkins are exactly that — white pumpkins. How about that, America?
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Don’t write us about Virgo. It’s a joke, not a manifesto.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) In Redneck FarmVille, you can plow a sheep.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) If you were made of chocolate, I would eat you.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Since when did Halloween start in August?
∞
Week of Oct. 5, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) I’m tired of eating slimy, sloppy eggs.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) If you don’t quit it, I will break all your
crayons.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) They have invented a new perfume: eau de Marlboro. You can smell like you have been smoking without the smoke.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) You would think by now we would have figured out a way to keep birds from pooping on our cars.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) OK, that is just sad. Don’t do it again.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Douchebags feed off of attention. Don’t give them any.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) I know how to get back at your girlfriend — fry her goldfish.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) If Walgreens doesn’t have it, you don’t need it.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) There is nothing like a good nacho sale.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) How many times do you have to say a Facebook ad is offensive before they stop sending it to you?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) If the Weather Channel says it is raining, it is raining!
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Given a choice, I would run off with Diego’s sister, Alicia. Yes, from the Nickelodeon cartoon. No, you are weird.
∞
Week of Sept. 28, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) If you still have hang-ups from high school, you are still in high school.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Nothing screams boring like clip art. I’m glad there is a big banner on campus for greek life with overused clip art.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) I’m pretty sure her parents didn’t name her “Lady GaGa.”
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) You do not want to be associated with the term “muffin top.” Buy clothes that fit.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) More than 22 million Peruvians can’t be wrong — guinea pigs are good eatin’.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) I’m sorry, Virgo — I’ve got nothing.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) At any other university, you would get your butt kicked every day.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Bagel chips are magical.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) I own a lot of Woody Allen movies.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Yay! There aren’t a billion people here — only 33 million people.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Tell me that you are playing the banjo now, and you will be my new hero.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Cocaine, hydrocodone, oxycodone, tramadol, xanax and valium for only $19.99. But wait! There’s more.
∞
Week of Sept. 21, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) If you live on the IUS campus, driving to class is more than a little lazy.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Teaching is a wonderful form of birth control.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Whatever you do, don’t put it in your mouth.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) I’m so full of stupid that my eyeballs are floating.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) The local meteorologist should have an office with a window.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) If I die on campus, drag my body over to Taco Bell. I want to die with some dignity.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Have you seen my camouflage jacket?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) I work with someone who looks like you, but, let me tell you, he ain’t nothing like you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) If you build it, there will be changes, and you’ll have to rebuild it.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) I’m boycotting Six Flags until they get rid of that stupid old man in their commercials. It’s like receiving a hate injection every time I see it.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) A live-action remake of “Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines”? Gold.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Your mug shot makes you look fat.
∞
Week of Sept. 14, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) What would you call a Pretenders cover band?
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Know the difference between “pray” and “prey.” Both are frowned upon when teachers do it with students.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Wow, that’s a lot of monkeys.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) The IU Credit Union is only open five hours a day, not necessarily in a row.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) What would happen if Facebook went down? O.M.G.!!!
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) College is not for everyone, especially if you still don’t know how to flush.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) You skipped a class already? Dude.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) You know a city is a speed trap when they have directions on how to pay online.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) I side with intelligence on a lot of things in life.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Look over your status updates for the last week or so. If more than half of them say you’re sick, you have a problem. See a doctor or stop drinking.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Watch out for the puffer fish. You have been warned.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Stay in bed Monday — maybe Tuesday, too.
∞
Week of Sept. 7, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) The wax figure of Jean Stapleton in the museum tastes just like wax.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Yes, I believe she did do that on purpose.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Where does it end? All the way at the top.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) A $100 bill is a lot like getting a turtle as a gift — it’s hard to get rid of in a McDonald’s.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) There is something known as deep fried butter. Yum! It comes in different flavors, too.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) When a 4-year-old says, “What’s so special about Walmart?” you know you’re dealing with genius.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) The only time that exists is the present. No, you’re wrong. They’re all wrong, too.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) How many ducks does it take to screw in a light bulb? Are you on drugs?
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) I freakin’ love coloring!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Why do I always get event invites after the event? If you didn’t want me to be there, don’t invite me.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) I think I liked her better before she started talking.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) It always makes me feel a little uncomfortable accepting a goat.
Week of Aug. 24, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) This always happens when I listen to Meat Loaf.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) I have a whole bunch of I Don’t Care over here. How much do you want?
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Bring me some pie and tell me amusing stories.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) This has a lot of bones for a marshmallow.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) If I was a mushroom, I’d live under your sink.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) I wouldn’t leave me alone to long. That’s when my flights of fancy come out.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) That sound you hear is your blood pressure rising. Have a nice day!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Knowing my luck, they will find me dead watching reruns of “Punky Brewster.”
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Heck, I can do that with a marble and a piece of string.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) You have a great job when a coworker asks for help, and you immediately think you will be digging a shallow grave soon.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Last night I knew the Ultimate Secret of the Universe. All I remember now is it had something to do with bananas.
Week of April 20, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) I believe I have seen this before. It is called a case of extreme boredom with a side of slaw.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Because of Saturn rising in Taurus, you will be stuck in a loop of never-ending nothingness — like last Tuesday.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) I have seen the future, and it smells like ketchup. Yummy!
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Sometimes it is best not to understand or even try. This is called “saving your sanity.”
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) It’s OK to be weird if those around you are weird in the exact same way. That way, it’s not so weird, is it?
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) A bunch of posters, even large ones, with the university’s “core values” and “mission statement” on them, will not necessarily assure reaccreditation. Do what other universities do: paint the halls and bribe the evaluators.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Relax. The economy is fine. The Wal-Mart parking lot is still full. People still drive their SUVs too fast. The line around McDonald’s is still around McDonald’s. Be at peace.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) When it’s late at night and you are feeling, er, “lonely,” you think of me, don’t you? I knew it.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) As an IUS student, you are not allowed to say, “Peace out, yo!” Evar.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) OK, I’m sick of having a ham sandwich every day from the IUS Food Court. Can’t you make grab-and-go sandwiches with some other type of meat?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Nature isn’t our mother, it’s our sister — a mean, selfish, hateful sister.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) You don’t see many “Baby On Board” signs anymore. You do see a lot of “Baby On Roof Rack” signs, though.
∞
Week of April 13, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) They’re called the “Pussycat Dolls”? Are you serious? What, was “Vagina Sluts” already taken?
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) If you are in charge of a public rest room, keep it clean, or I will drop trou in the business part of your establishment and take care of business there.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) You know what? I’m not going to watch every episode of “Lost” on DVD anytime soon. If you lend me your collection, it’s mine.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) You have had that cold of yours for more than three months. See a doctor or die. Pick one.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Yes, you should tip for carry-out. Often, they will replace your spitted-in drink with a fresh one.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Bob Ross lives! See http://www.yubby.com/c/bobross.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Did you know aspartame is the cause of every problem ever known to man? Yep. Our current Great Depression 2.0? Aspartame. School shootings? Aspartame. Global warming? Well, you get the idea.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Warning — there is a computer virus coming that is so bad, it will kill you if you are in the same room as a computer. Or it could be nothing.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Do you think sniffing orange traffic cones is a sin?
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Rumor has it you can get free Cokes from the Food Court if you tell the cashier you are a pixie when she asks if you are a student.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Many venereal diseases do not go away on their own. Just a thought.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Old people driving doesn’t scare me. It also doesn’t scare me that they can own guns. What scares me is there may be one hiding under your desk right now!
∞
Week of April 6, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) I wonder if a ShamWow is any good at mopping up blood.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) There is a fine line between funny and complete gibberish. These horoscopes are on the gibberish side of that line.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) When the old people start complaining about the number of old people on campus, there are too many old people on campus.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Life is too short to worry about other people not taking life seriously. Seriously.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) When the stars start reflecting the sun, it’s time to give back your astronomy degree. For the record, the sun is a star. The moon reflects the sun.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Want six-pack abs without sit ups or exercise? Want to ride a unicorn? Send us your credit card information, and it will magically happen.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) The world coming to an end doesn’t scare me. Norwegian girls and Jodi Foster scare me. And bears.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) If two people walk into the woods and one of them is carrying a camera, follow them — someone is about to get nikkid!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) The economy is in the crapper? Someone better tell the 900 people at my local Wal-Mart. Yeah, and none of them drove a hybrid to get there.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) I may be wrong, but I don’t think “butterface” is a legal term. It’s not in my legal dictionary. Neither is the past tense of “Tweet.”
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Seems to me the more you look forward to something, the more disappointed you are. Yeah, I know — I’m a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Yep, I’m still thinking about the colors blue and cream. They are such a nice combination, aren’t they?
∞
Week of March 30, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) If you have a name that matches so well with your last name that everyone calls you by your full name, remember that it worked for Charlie Brown.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) You spend too much time at work if you go home and dial “9” for an outside line.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Maybe you should have found out if he was a douche bag before letting him move in with you. It’s called dating.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Stand around long enough outside a building on campus and you will hear someone going all “Jerry Springer” on a cellphone with someone. TMI.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Feeling like someone is watching you usually means someone is watching you. Don’t get too paranoid.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Yelling and screaming really isn’t helping me drive any better. No, praying and crying isn’t any better.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) It doesn’t count as a mistake if you keep doing it over and over again. Then, it’s a habit.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) When the amount of porn on your hard drive gets to the point you have to buy a bigger hard drive, you might have a little problem — no, not the old hard drive.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) No, I have no idea why I think blueberries and cream would taste good together. They probably don’t.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Do you know what they call a college campus with a bar? A pretty good idea!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Baseball is one of those games that you have to — OK, it’s just boring. No, I take that back — it’s really boring.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Date you? I’ve been thinking about buying an axe and shovel, and it’s not because I like gardening.
∞
Week of March 16, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) If you must eat something crunchy, do it someplace quite, or you’ll only be able to eat soft foods for the rest of your life. Got it?
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Did you really need to spit in the urinal? Were you trying to get out every last drop?
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Put your spudger away and do something constructive. Look it up.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) The geese are giving way to turkeys on campus. No, not students, real turkeys. Yum! Where were they during the ice storm?
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) The stars have told me nothing this week, Leo, so I’ll tell you about what’s on the floor mats in my car: two Cheetos, a french fry and tears.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) “Skiing” is a Borwegal word for, “Let’s see if we can twist your hip out of the socket like a Barbie doll.”
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Here’s how to draw a dog: draw a cat and erase everything that doesn’t look like a dog. Easy, peasy.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Unhappy? Don’t be. Why? Deep-fried grilled cheese sandwiches, bacon-wrapped mozzarella sticks and cupcakes covered in chocolate syrup and sprinkles, that’s why.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) This is very important — pork brains in milk gravy has 1,170 percent of the recommended daily allowance for cholesterol.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) If you are seriously considering a see-though wedding dress, carefully think about why you are getting married.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) When your thighs are bigger than your waist, it’s time to give squats a rest. Try some pushups or something.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) The stars are saying something about bacon-wrapped macaroni and cheese meatloaf. Nope, sorry, that’s Scorpio, again.
∞
Week of March 9, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) What are we going to do with all those over-sized sunglasses next year when the fad is over? And what are we going to do with those embarrassing photos?
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Apparently, shiny green bikini tops are the proper attire for jogging. You perverts know what I mean.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Let’s face it, if Beyoncé knocked on your door, you wouldn’t know who she was, and you wouldn’t answer the door.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) How many cats do you need in your house before you are deemed officially crazy? One.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Different cultures have different names for the terrible place bad people go to after they die. We call it Chuck E. Cheese.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Dow drops below 7,000 for first time since 1997? Fine. 1997 was a great year.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) The local Doppler radar shows a lot of green stuff coming our way, followed by some pink and white. Meh.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) We found another moon around Saturn. Whee!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) If Joaquin Phoenix has schizophrenia then I have schizophrenia! What? Oh, sorry, I thought I heard something. Would you scratch my beard?
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) When you realize how far you have come, be prepared to realize you’re still a dweeb.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Don’t you hate it when they redo your favorite Web site, and you accidently click on the Viagra ad two or three times a day? Me, too.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Hey, Pisces, I made a Power Point presentation of all the fun times we had together. It was getting long, so I cut a few slides — mostly the ones without photos. Then I cut a few more. Now, I’m left with only a photo of you passed out.
∞
Week of March 2, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) What’s worse than working at a call center for a telemarketer? Recruiting for a call center for a telemarketer. Have fun with that.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) OK, Valentine’s day is over. Time to take down the hearts and the red and pink stuff.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) I checked the Mayan calendar. They didn’t even list Ground Hog Day! We have nothing to worry about.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Want to know what’s really wrong with this campus? Not enough skinny dipping in the IUS Pool. What? We don’t? This explains a lot.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) If I find out I have a terminal illness, I’m going to eat a person. Oh, he’ll be dead first. I’m not a murderer.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Don’t go to Mexico for Spring Break. Go to Detroit. It’s safer.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) All bridesmaids’ dresses shall be the ugliest dresses available — Chick Law!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) The only people who can’t hear the high-pitched ring tone destroyed their hearing at some real cool concerts in the ’70s.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) He spotted a billboard for Denny’s — Bacon and Eggs for half price. How could he resist such an offer?
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) I don’t know where that tattoo came from either. I don’t even know anyone named Mabel.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) I was eating at McDonald’s today — I know it’s bad for me — when I saw a guy across from me carefully laying his fries on his burger, and he seemed to love it. I had to laugh a little to myself.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) I know what it means when a black cat crosses your path, but what does it mean when a trustee
exposes himself to you when you’re cleaning the bathroom?
∞
Week of Feb. 23, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Do you have that dream where you are naked in class or in church? If you have the former, you’re OK. It’s normal. You may even want to do it. If you have the later, seek professional help.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Some people like cats. Some people like dogs. If you like cats, call me. We’ll exchange recipes.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) If a fart ended a date early, it is probably for the best. You can’t hold it in forever, you know. Letting it out during the honeymoon may be too late.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) With all the strange things ending up in our produce, let’s just eat meat — the well-cooked kind, not the green, moldy kind.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Some headaches just call for four Advil, a shot of tequila and a scone. Try it.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Could it be that you are upset about something else, but taking it out on me?
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Aren’t there times you wish time would just stop for a little while so you can catch up? Stupid time.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) If you have been living with someone for 10 years, have three children together and own a home together, you are married. Bite the bullet and go to city hall. Your ideals are long gone.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) If one more person wants to have 12 children and make others pay for them, come see me about a kick in the behind.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) The difference between 30 years old and 20 years old is the same as the difference between 20 years old and 10 years old. Tell that to the judge.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) No, I don’t want an electric car. No, I don’t want a GM or a Chrysler. I want cheap gas and a Porshe.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) How much did we give to the banks? I think they owe us some money.
Week of Feb. 16, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) I hate people. But I like sick people more because they will die soon.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) What happened to athletes getting high off of exercise? Endorphins are not enough? I’m talking to you, Phelps. Oh, and your friend A-Rod, too.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Dakota Fanning has two movies out this week — two movies, high school and cheer leading. She’s not 15 yet. What have you done so far in 2009? That’s what I thought. Let’s kill her.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) So, the Jonas Brothers didn’t win a Grammy® for Best New Artists. Could it be because they are not best, new or artists? It be.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Let’s see, $789 billion divided by 303,824,640. That’s $2,596.89 each. Just throw it on the table. We’ll make change later.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Good news! The banks are lending money. Bad news — not to you. Why does it hurt when I sit down?
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Bill Gates has this thing about bugs. He sets a bunch of mosquitoes loose on an unsuspecting audience, and he gave us Windows Vista. I see a connection.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) I love the sound of my horn echoing off the knobs. Yes, I do.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) “Rescue Me” and “Starter Wife” were canceled this week. Yeah, that’s what I thought, too.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) When did Sports Illustrated stop putting out a swimsuit issue and start putting out a body paint issue? Not that anyone is complaining or anything.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) I have the perfect money-making idea for newspapers: paid obits for pets. Who wouldn’t buy an obit for Fluffy before flushing him?
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Feel like taking a flight somewhere? Me, neither.
∞
Week of Feb. 9, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Have I every stared face-to-face at an enemy who wanted to kill me? No, but if looks could kill, then yes — just about every day.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) I don’t know what the big deal is with The Snuggie©. My grandmother used to knit lovely ponchos out of yarn.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) There may not be enough money for food, but there is always enough money for cigarettes.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) If I wanted to be Amish, I would be Amish. Stupid ice storm. I wish my house had a fireplace.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Guess what? You now have until June 12 to enjoy all those you-must-get-cable-or-die-without-TV ads. It’s a good thing I read during the commercials.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) It takes 10,000 hours of practice before you master, well, anything. This should explain the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton. OK, maybe not Paris Hilton.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Whatever happened to Riverdance? Still touring? Wow, I would have never guessed that.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) When I was young, on the 100th day of school, our teachers would give us a test! We wouldn’t spend the whole day congratulating ourselves on being able to count to 100.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) I could have told you Jessica Simpson was on her way to being fat. It’s the Pizza Hut pizza! Duh.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) I always thought you had to have a drivers license before you could buy a car. I guess I’m wrong about a lot of things.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Isn’t it about time we started burying power lines? Can I get an “amen,” people?
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Owning a cell phone, TV or iPod is not a constitutionally protected right. Sorry.
Week of Jan. 26, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Some things should not be stuffed into a ravioli. A tuba is just one.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Sure, I know her. I knew her when she could remember her natural hair color.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) A sandwich of Limburger cheese, onions and hot peppers, washed down with a beer, makes you a deadly weapon in most states.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Warning about the Black Jack taco from Taco Bell: goes in black, comes out green. You’ve been warned.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) You may think that sneaking into a lab on campus and stealing an arm from a cadaver and putting it in your roommate’s bed would be funny until you realize IU Southeast isn’t a medical school.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) After much research, done on Google right before class, The Horizon has determined, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Hillside Hall was built upside down. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) I don’t know who spent the summer throwing bird seed in the faculty parking lot, but genius like this is rarely found on this campus.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Those who believe there are 101 uses for a dead cat are very narrow minded.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Remember, your relatives will write your obit, so be nice to them.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) We do more at The Horizon besides the news. We’re also researching the effects of a professor with ugly sweaters on journalism students.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) It is really hard to get a dozen squirrels out of a garbage disposal without turning it on.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) In a country of 300 million people, a one in a million fart only happens 300 times a day. That makes me sad.Week of Dec. 1, 2008
∞
Week of Dec. 1, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) No, I love you more. No, I love you, more. No, I — wait, maybe you do love me more. What are we, 13 years old?
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Your moment has finally arrived! No, wait, it passed. Sorry about that. Well, that’s what you get for reading horoscopes.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Driving like only you exist will only take you so far, like to the body shop. I guess you didn’t listen to, “look where you are going.”
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Before smoking gets totally banned everywhere, let’s start a trend of smoking two cigarettes at once! We’ll call it “doubling.” Yeah, cool.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) What’s with that green sweater? It’s not like you’re dating Wonder Woman. Check your reservations at the Italian restaurant, get the car seat out of there and have a good time.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) If you give my barista an order more complicated than a mocha latte, she will just put whipped cream on regular coffee. Surprisingly enough, she gets few complaints.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) I think I’m in love with that girl on the billboard off of I-65. No, northbound. Other side. No, not that one. Never mind, she’s mine anyway.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) If only everyone was as wonderful as I am, there would be no problems.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) You should really think about where you park your car before putting on the “Party Naked!” bumper sticker.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Hey, our time is coming! Buy a lot of stuff now!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Donate to a charity in someone’s name instead of a present. That will tick them off.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Once again, I made it to Pisces and ran out of inspiration. Sorry, Pisces. Maybe next year.
∞
Week of Nov. 17, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) The economy is in the crapper, but Wal-Mart had a 10 percent increase in third-quarter profits. Please, let the asteroid hit us now.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) If you smoke and you’re on oxygen, you will get what you deserve.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Spending all day looking at pictures of cats with silly captions is no way to — aw, that one is just too cute.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) The cure for tired is sleep. You should try it sometime.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Yes, you are right — everyone in the world is dumber than you. Better put that big brain of yours to work.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) There are cool things to go to jail for, and dumb things to go to jail for. Decide which you want to do before you go to jail.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Do you think they served turducken at the first Thanksgiving? No? What a shame. What a crying shame.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) No, the little red light doesn’t mean it is recording. It means it is charging. No, I would never secretly video tape you and put it on the internet. Now, move a little to the right. The light is better over there.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Winthrop was right — the eyes of all people are upon us. Who’s Winthrop? Doesn’t matter. Just know the world is watching.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) What is the future like? Just like today, just more purple.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Sometimes it is more fun just to figure it out than to read the directions.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) If your panties are bigger than your shorts, you have a problem, don’t you?
∞
Week of Nov. 10, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) When I’m happy, I shoot my gun in the air. When I’m not happy, I still shoot my gun but not in the air.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) I know a duck when I see one. Calling it a giraffe doesn’t make its neck long.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) You buttered what and called who a biscuit? That’s just wrong and possibly illegal in some states.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) If I wasn’t so tired, I would come in there and beat the snot out of all of you.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) You left me without adult supervision? That was a mistake. You’ll never find the remote after this.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Did you know that an anteater and an aardvark are completely different? Me neither.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Google’s Chrome has a porn mode? What’s a porn mode? Does Bill Gates know about this?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) When it comes down to it, aren’t we all pre-med? Or was that pre-law?
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) They say you can’t go home again. I just click on the little icon that looks like a house.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) If you love Vault, try the new Vault Red Blitz. It tastes like carbonated Hawaiian Punch and love. It leaves the same aftertaste as a cherry Charm lollipop.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Get your friends to give you advice on dating this week. Isn’t that a novel idea? Usually, they don’t have anything to say about your life and how you should live it. So, ask, and you will receive. That’s what the stars say.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Don’t go poking around where you do not belong. Do you hear me? You’d better. The stars say the crap storm you will stir up if you do will be monumental.
∞
Week of Nov. 3, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Chocolate Skittles? Wouldn’t that be M&M’s? I’ve been told they taste like Tootsie Rolls, but I’m not trying one.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) This Friday, if you dress like a slut, you are probably a slut.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) If blondes make good girlfriends and brunettes make good wives, where does that leave the redheads?
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) In case you were wondering, Menudo is still going strong. Take that, Backstreet Boys.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) My sources in Hollywood say the Oscar buzz this year is all about “High School Musical 3: Senior Year.”
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) The new Pepsi logo is supposed to look like a grin. I just see bunny eating two carrots and an ice cream cone.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Let me get this straight: the more the economy sucks, the lower gas prices go. Then how do you explain the ’90s? This is all Bill Clinton’s fault.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Remember that really cool hairstyle you had in the second grade? Well, it’s not cool anymore. Get a haircut, Shaggy.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) How many morons does it take to buy a box of Kleenex? Well, then, the SGA still needs a few more members before they can wipe their noses. Flu season is coming, ya know.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Turns out there are some people who can lick their elbows. You still look silly trying.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) I have an unnatural relationship with my submandibular gland.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Don’t even try to get the cue ball out of your mouth. Just go to the hospital.
∞
Week of Oct. 27, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) When you actually give conscious thought to if you should drink your dinner again tonight, seek help.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Gourmet hot dogs from Circle K may not be as
“gourmet” as you think. Let’s not even get into fancy sausage links.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) The answer of 97 down is Uranus. Really, it is.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) I don’t know about going to an event on campus called “Herpes Alive.” Now, Herps Alive, with reptiles, is a fine show for you and your family. Herpes? Not so much.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Drugs being sold out of a dorm room? How original. I guess IU Southeast is just like a “real” college now. How sad.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Want to improve the food on campus? Protest until tater tots are on the menu every day. Oh, and cake left over from a campus event is not very appealing. Let’s protest that, too.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Now, how did that glob of spit get into my coffee?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Stealing? Bad. Censorship? Bad. Really lame excuses for doing both? Double bad.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) You don’t meet a lot of people named Dagwood.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) What would happen if you didn’t run away from the ubiquitous “guy with the chainsaw” at a haunted house? I’ll call his bluff. Let him cut me, man.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Did you know Mandy Moore’s “hospitality rider” includes a 12 pack of Corona? Who the heck drinks Corona? Mandy Moore, apparently.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) OK, Pisces, I stiffed you last time. Here’s your guaranteed to be as true as any horoscope: Take action now. That’s it. Hey, you try to tell what the stars are saying.
∞
Week of Oct. 20, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Don’t you sometimes feel like you’re at hour 35 after taking 36-hour Cialis? Me, too.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) If you drink Red Bull for the taste, you may have an undiagnosed medical problem with your tongue.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Yeah, I don’t know who Joe the Plumber is, either, but he’s not a plumber.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) The commercial for AXE Dark Temptation is officially the creepiest commercial event — especially when the woman bites the guy’s behind.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Why wooden arrow makers are mentioned in the bank bailout legislation is beyond me. I guess I don’t get the point.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Oh, great, Britney Spears has another hit. You know, this is only going to encourage her to breed again.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Breast feeding is not a form of birth control but condoms are. Just a little advice from The Horizon.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Getting a cow on top of a dorm building is one thing. Getting it down is another. I’m just saying.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) You had better start your Christmas shopping now if you want even a chance at buying a pink rifle this year.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Baseball playoffs? I thought they stopped playing the World Series years ago. Huh.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Make sure you get a flu shot this year. Our goal is to make sure everyone gets the flu this year. Yes, it does.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Oh, Pisces — you usually get short-changed because I run out of room by this time. Well, now I have some room to give you a really good horoscope, so here it comes: Don’t even try
∞
Week of Oct. 13, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) With Saturn firmly in place in Aries, it’s time to start thinking big, government-bailout big.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) When thinking about the future, don’t forget about the present, like the light having changed five minutes ago.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Don’t freak out about money this week. The government will take care of everything. I’m sure Obama or McCain will give us all a thank-you-for-voting-for-me cash incentive, like Bush, in November.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Have you thanked your parents lately. No? Do it now. I’ll wait. Done? Liar.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) When you are in over your head, remember Coke makes wonderful energy drinks like Full Throttle, vitaminenergy, Vault and TaB Energy.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Love is certainly in the air for Virgos this week, or maybe that’s just the smell of the Ohio River.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Don’t wait until the last minute to make plans, or you will get stuck in the middle seat.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Saturn in Scorpio means new excitement this week, so take up an interesting new hobby like ferret legging, fire eating or backyard wrestling.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Your frustrations at work will come to a head this week. Good thing you got that gun last week, huh? It pays to plan ahead.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Aren’t you happy you invested in Campbell’s Soups and energy stocks? Everyone needs power and soup.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) If you are feeling grumpy today, look at the bright side of things, like — ah, gee, just go ahead a feel grumpy.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) There’s no need to feel lonely just because you are alone. Wait, that’s exactly what that means.
∞
Week of Oct. 6, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) New Horizon bylaws state you can only read your horoscope, so no looking at Taurus unless you are a Taurus.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) If you are not a Taurus but are reading this, you will die within 24 hours. I warned you.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) One would imagine KFC — Kentucky Fried Chicken — would always have chicken available during store hours. One would be wrong.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) I bet you didn’t know this: The First Amendment, which protects free speech, free press and free religion, applies to the United States. Who knew?
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) That flash drive you lost with all those photos your boyfriend took of you was found. I charge $19.95 a month to look at them at my Web site. I’ll give you one month free.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Arby’s new Mac & Cheezers are proof God is alive and well and wants us to be happy. Get some!
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) If you send me one more piece of flare with your face on it, you will no longer be my friend.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Will it be on the test? Everything is on the test, and life is the test. Smoke that!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) In Mexico, you can buy corn-on-the-cob on a stick — elotes — from street vendors. It comes covered with mayonnaise and chili powder. Just ask for the hepatitis on a stick. You can get it in a cup, too.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) What makes you think your rules apply to everyone? New rule: They don’t.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) What’s the opposite of a duck? Ian Hoopes.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) If you need a list of things to be concerned about, I have one. It doesn’t include you being concerned about me. Mind your own business first.
∞
Week of Sept. 29, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) On Wednesday, you will find what you are looking for. It will be wedged between the floorboard and the back seat of your car.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) You know what, don’t filter my results. See if I care.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Those younger than 70 years old should not be buying and using Depends because — hold on a second — OK, what was I saying?
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) If the Web site you’re on is sponsored by a lot of places selling generic Viagra, you might be on a porn site. Download nothing!
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Kids are taking drugs because they are bored. I have the cure to boredom — get a job! Now, get off my lawn.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) A night of continually being shot in the head by some 12-year-old seconds after you respawn is not my idea of a good time.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) When you eat at Jerry’s Family Restaurant, you always get what you expect. I get constipation.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) China has decided not to lend any more money to banks in the U.S. Forget the asteroid, the end is very near.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Did you know you could get rid of world hunger for just about $700 billion? I’m just saying. How about all countries exploring space together in brotherly love? Just spreading some ideas around.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Why doesn’t the IUS Food Court ever have shepherd’s pie? I’m just asking, that’s all.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) Whose bright idea was it to put the retirement home next to the nude beach? Let’s start using some common sense, people.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Have the voices starting speaking Japanese? I think they have!
∞
Week of Sept. 22, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) I get a really bad headache if I drink coffee and Vault in the same day. Where’s the telethon for that?
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Money? Check. Keys? Check. Cell phone? Check. Underwear? Crap.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) After drinking enough NyQuil, I was finally able to understand Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld’s commercial. It’s about freedom.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Do you know what I miss? Slap bracelets and Spuds MacKenzie. Perhaps that’s why we’re in this mess.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Jerod Clapp would make an awful mop. The crying would drive you crazy after a while.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) I don’t know who she is, but I don’t want her to turn around, so just shut up. Oh, great — she turned around.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) If it wasn’t for his nose, his eyes would certainly fuse together.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Let’s face it, something here has been lifted and separated. I don’t know what, but it has.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) M&M’s Premiums taste exactly like regular M&M’s if you leave them on the counter long enough, especially the mocha.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Man, you try to be nice to one person, then everyone else thinks you’re a doormat. Just because you let one person take advantage of you does not mean it’s open season. Back off and earn it, Cookie.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) If you are having problems with your Internet connection, try unplugging and plugging in your router, or just start smashing random objects with a hammer.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) If you find a missing girl, please return her.
∞
Week of Sept. 15, 2008
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Do all instructors get to choose an alternate location for a class if they don’t like the acoustics, AV equipment or “staging”? Didn’t think so.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) If the CEO of your company can’t do what you do for the company because your company sucks, there’s a problem. Sell your stock.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) A special shout out to all who can achieve where their betters could not — shout out!
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Caffeine and popular music is all you need to attract a crowd. The secret is what to do with the vibrating crowd once you have them.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) This reminds me of something my grandmother used to say, “Two in the head to make sure they’re dead.” I miss Granny.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) The Kawasaki 704 glasses bring out the best in a MILF. Order yours today.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) OK, just stop it — you’re beginning to irritate the pig. Try your lipstick on some other animal, OK?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Well, I would love to stick around and chat, but there are more zombies to kill.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Just in case anyone asks, a flaming mouse can run between 20 and 30 feet before burning out. It’s also an excellent drink.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) If your purse is bigger than a dorm-sized refrigerator, you may need to reconsider what you need to care with you.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 ) The fact that having your picture taken physically hurts you does not mean you shouldn’t be an actress or a model.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Does God smell like rain? Well, I’d like to think so. I know what Satan smells like, and it’s not rain.
